Why? What did it want to teach me?

Such a simple question, but with a not so straightforward answer. Why did it happen? Do not mistake this question for 'Why did it happen to me (and not anybody else)?'. That is a question that never crossed my mind. But I did wanted to know why it happened.

Looking for my why

It is like a toddler who keeps asking 'why', with every answer he gets from his parents. I feel the same, wanting to know why it was there in the first place and why my body wasn't able to get rid of it.

A very simple, but important question and the answer you get for your physicians is often 'your luck just ran out'. In my case there was one thing the physician could hold on to. In my time as a fertility doctor, I performed HSGs. This is a test to see if the fallopian tube are open. This is done by injecting a fluid inside of the uterus and with a kind of X-ray images you can see if this fluid goes through the fallopian tubes. I think I did these test 1 or 2 times a week for a year. It means that I was exposed to radiation and could esplain the cancer, although I always wore the lead protection including the extra one for my thyroid. The only thing my doctor could say about this was: 'it fits the time line.'.

I didn't accept this possibility of my 'why'. I felt very clearly that there was more. I started reading book 'Cancerfree' written by William Cortvriendt. I learned a lot about the caracteristics of cancer and what it needed to grow. In this book there a lot of sentences that opened my eyes, and one of those was: 'In about 90% of cancer cases the reason is lifestyle'.

Time for confrontation

I dove into my life, and dove deep. How healthy was my lifestyle really? As I found more answers I realized that the better question was: 'What did I accepted in my lifestyle, because of being a mom with 2 young children?'. Did I accept that being stressed and not having time for myself was part of the deal?

Or was this just because of I didn't wanted to look deeper into my life and confront myself with what I really wanted ?

Being true to yourself

To be honest, I realized that I never choose myself. There was always a reason I couldn't. I barely made time to exercise, to just hike or run in the mountains, when the kids were at school. That was my time to work, and that was important to make money. With the kids were home again, there was no time for 'being me', because the kids needed me or the house needed cleaning...

A bigger question appeared

My main question to myself became: 'What does this want to teach me or tell me?'.

What is left when all of my roles go away? Being a mom, a wife, a doctor, cleaning lady, when all of this goes away. Who am I really? Who is the real me?

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